Monday, December 31, 2007

Baloney Haiku 22

Category: Food and Restaurants

One day, a million will only buy

Stale bread and broken eggs

But we will all be rich

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Baloney Haiku 20

Category: Sports

If only God  rested

After a few days

Four day weekends are needed

Maybe he shouldn’t have bothered at all. At least someone came up with the idea to change the sabbath to Sunday so that we could get two days. That was a stroke of luck. How many days a week do you need to recharge? I really am so much better if I get four days off.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Baloney Haiku 21

Category: Food and Restaurants

You open a fortune cookie

It says,”Never open a fortune cookie”

You open the next one

Just don’t eat it

Buddha has a weird sense of humor

And who knows what happened at the factory

Don’t read it either

Forget the whole thing

Fortune cookies aren’t that great

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Baloney Haiku 19

If I ever say “I’m bored”

Just kill me

And end your own boredom

Not a hundred percent sure what this means. I know I shouldn’t encourage psycho’s to act out some biblical insanity.

I know I have no reason to ever be bored and I get pissed at friends who claim boredom.

If you are ever bored, I’ll set you straight. It means you’re not struggling with survival enough. So, we will have to injure you in some way. Try being creative opening a can with one arm. We’ll figure things out.

Gotta go the wife and kids are yelling for me

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Baloney Haiku 18

I’d rather eat stale bread

Than fantasize about Filet Mignon

That goes for my taste in women too

I never jerked off about movie stars except Emma Peel.

Even if I were to watch a porno, I transfered who the girl was in the porno, into someone I could possibly attain.

This was true even when I was 13 and the girls around me were pimple faced, awkward, and rude. I spent no time thinking about the icons who I was supposed to jerk off about and all my time on…

Damn, I forgot her name.

Anyway, you get my point, or maybe you don’t

Friday, December 28, 2007

Baloney Haiku 17

Give to your favorite charity

The way the world is going

You’ll get your investment back

When the shit hits the fan

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Baloney Haiku 16

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

The only flying saucer, I can confirm

Was the saucer dish that hit dad

The dessert landed in my lap

This is obviously Ed’s ahh.. lapel, I mean very Oedipussy. I am trying to crack jokes about a serious problem. Sorry. To business:

My dad was so frustrated a man that he was actually jealous of me. His mom was a monster.

She told my father to not leave books on the kitchen table when he was a kid. He did. She threw his school books in the incinerator. Can you imagine?

So, it was my grandmother’s dish that clocked my dad, not my mom.

My mom was too afraid of my dad. He never hit her but he did try to run her over in the car. He might have been in a hurry. He did want to become a race car driver.

He wanted to be a race car driver, he ended up racing trucks interstate for the family business.

He wanted to play drums, he got piano lessons instead. I gotta laugh at that. The family was such a brutal family and they wanted him to learn piano?

My dad grew up fighting a lot. I can imagine his knuckles as he sat at the piano and bleeding all over the white keys and then getting punished again by his mom.

A viscious cycle which I broke

To be continued

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Baloney Haiku 15

Category: Travel and Places

I stood in front of a dead end sign

And decided to take a step forward

That way, I’ll be home sooner

Yeah, this reminds me of what it was like to come home when I was a teenager. I got the reverse treatment of what kids got. I had a crazy Jewish mother crying and carrying on when I was a kid.

Damn, when I was 13 my mother brought me to Israel. The 73 war started a month later. I was brought up north to work on a Kibbutz. All the men were at war. We worked the farm. At night we heard gunfire. My room mate was an Arab who slept with a knife under his pillow.

By the time I was 14, I was running around the country till all hours of the night. One night I was dressed as Alice Cooper and was arrested as a prostitute. They weren’t used to my costume on Purim.

They let me go because they knew I couldn’t speak hebrew and would not be able to negotiate a price for a blowjob.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Baloney Haiku 14- My Father’s Crew

Category: Food and Restaurants

“A steak does not moo

At the end of a fork              Don’t cover in ketchup”

My father was a brutal man. Old school Jewish mob guy whose mother ran the show. My father got away from the business because his mother wouldn’t let him take over the interstate trucking business after his father died.

I stopped seeing my dad when he remarried.

When my Grandmother died, my half sisters and step sisters wanted to see me. I chose not to get involved with them.

I knew of my father’s brutality very well and I’m sure he got worse after my grandmother didn’t make him boss. She knew he was a hot head and not a cool businessman. She wanted him in the business but to continue the roll he was best at – he was their bulldog. He was their bill collector.

Anyway, I’ve done thirty years of therapy to deal with the stuff my parents felt was neccessary to give me. After thirty years, I realized that I can’t shake off what they’ve given me, I have to flip it around and make it work for me.

You know, “When they give you lemons, make lemonade.” Easily said and very clever but where do you get the sugar and ice?

I do prefer limes too.

Anyway, I don’t eat steak often and I cringe when my kid uses ketchup on her steak but I don’t harrass her the way my father did.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Baloney Haiku 14

Don’t reach over to my plate

A fork will greet your skin

Even I… have boundaries

I’ve taken a lot of shit from people in my life but I always get irritated when someone thinks it’s is o.k. to reach over to my plate and take something off of it.

Now if you want something on my plate, I’ll give you half and then order another if I’m still hungry.

I may also offer to buy you your own and you should take me up on that. I love buying people things they like.

Just don’t cross your hands over my border without asking. It will add a blood sauce to my food.

Of course, in recent years I’ve changed and so when Sadie reaches over to my plate I totally don’t give a shit …

and now my wife does it and I guess I’ve just given up.

I don’t really give a shit about what I used to give a shit about anymore.

Where are all my neurotic principles going.

Fuck – growing up is so boring

Monday, December 24, 2007

Baloney Haiku 13 – My Father’s Crew

Category: Writing and Poetry

You got a problem

With me having a problem?!

Now we have a problem

There’s a real poetry to knuckleheads who do illicit activities. Unfortunately, old school Jew mobsters don’t reveal much. This Haiku is about all you’ll get.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Baloney Haiku 12

Officer, I’ll listen to your lecture

If you let me go

Otherwise, put me in the car

This is a philosophy to live by.

The schoolteacher beat up a brat who punched her and she was taken away. Sure the teacher could have just subdued the kid but I understand…

I taught creative writing to High School kids. I had a great time. I got kicked out for encouraging kids to write about whatever they wanted to write about. I let them curse and tell sick stories. That’s what made them feel good.

I connected to kids and got whacked for it. Go forth and figure as it says in the bible…

There were some kids who I wanted to thrash but maintained my cool. However, if they would have struck me, all bets would have been off.

The kids that looked like they wanted to hit me, probably turned into moralizing cops.

I prefer cops who know better and become private dicks.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Baloney Haiku – 11 – The Sushi File

Category: Food and Restaurants

I throw out all chipped dishes

Reminds me of childhood

Age cracks don’t bother me

I really am getting older and I don’t mind if you want to make fun about what an old fart I’m becoming…

My morning coffee mug has sixty years of age cracks on it but if I chip it, it will be in the garbage in a minute.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Baloney Haiku 11

Category: Religion and Philosophy

If they injected genius into you

Would you have to kill yourself?…

Because you’d realize what a jerk you’ve been…

Or would you just be a bigger jerk?

I think we all know inwardly the answer to that one.

I of course, no longer pretend to understand the Haiku format and am such a jerk myself that I feel it’s o.k. to add an extra line and not care about the true form or even bother to look it up… No poetry Professor is going here.

I bet there is some four line poem called… Come See and Come Saw. That’s it. I will start a new poetry series called Come See and Come Saw. Sounds like a lot of dirty sexy poems. Say the title slowly C-o-m-e Seeeeeee and cuuum sawww. Yep dirty poems coming your way alongside Baloney AHaiku’s and stories on a regular daily basis

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Baloney Haiku 10

Category: Friends

You say you love me

All I keep thinking…

What have you done for me lately

I can be a demanding motherfucker but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m thinking of delusional people who really think they love you but how they can’t really give anything up of themselves that really matter.

I’m not talking about money or blowjobs, I’m talking about giving yourself up  a kind of surrender to another person.

They just don’t get it. Their ego’s get in  the way and they think, “What’s in it for me.”

The point about love that I’m trying to make is that when you give it up, you just give it up. There may not be a return reciprocation. Of course, the people in my life who I’ve chosen to love have not always understood things quite this way, and of course I have to ask myself over and over,”What the fuck was I thinking,”

Hmm… that’s another baloney haiku isn’t it.

Send a salami to a boy in the army. More baloney coming your way soon, like sooner than you think

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Baloney Haiku 9

Christmas, best for Jews

Always fun, never stressful

Just try not to kill us again

Conversion to Judiasm is the way to go for Gentiles during Christmas. Us domestic Jews give gifts and wear Santa hats. We don’t have to get together with our families. No guilt, no church.

We go out to eat in Chinatown and catch a movie. Then we come home and open presents we got for ourselves.

Thank God we never fell for the sequel to the bible, though there are plenty of good hooks in that book too.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Baloney Haiku 8 The Bubble Bath series

Category: Parties and Nightlife

I’m in the bath poking Bubbles

Go ahead, call me a fag

I got the cleanest whistle in town

Taking baths are seen as feminine. I have always enjoyed my baths, but I enjoyed smoking cigars and reading while in my bubble baths. Oh yeah and a cocktail, and the telephone, and jerking off.

Of course I did date a girl who spent too much time in the bath. She was German and bathed four or five times a day. She gave me a soap rash on my dick and I broke up with her. That was not nice of me. I never even told her why.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Baloney Haiku 7

Category: Religion and Philosophy

If you sang every word you spoke

You’d never forget

Anything you ever thought

I actually believe this to be the reason that so much of prayer is sung. It’s so much easier to remember the words to a song than to remember an idea… Also they sing in temples so you don’t fall asleep.

I see the hallmark quality in my personality and it makes me nauseous. Oh well, and the haiku doesn’t make sense either. It’s kind of big brotherish or do I mean boorish. Fuck it

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Baloney Haiku’s 4,5,6 – The Time Machine Series

Category: Writing and Poetry

If I die today

This poem will double in value

I must raise the ante

If I die tomorrow

You’ll miss out

On my greatest poem yet

If I died yesterday

Discard this poem

In nearest recycling bin

I kind of like the sophmoric collegy aspect to these poems. I’m so fucking sure of myself, as opposed to now  that  I’m older and crankier and know not a god damn thing. Alzheimers here I come

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Baloney Haiku 3

Category: Writing and Poetry

I’ve always prided myself on the ability and stamina to do a full sinkful of dishes. I still do not have a dishwasher and I doubt I will ever get one. The challenge is great. I leave in the morning to an empty sink to arrive home to a full sink. No cooking is done. I am the chef. Yet, somehow every dish gets pulled out.

Thirty years ago I wrote this baloney haiku when confronted with a sinkful of dishes after a Thanksgiving dinner. I volunteered to do the dishes. When I saw the piles of dishes and pots and pans, I almost crapped my pants… I ran the water and…

A sinkful of dishes

A soap bubble floats to my face

Still got time for kid stuff

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Baloney Haiku 2

Category: Writing and Poetry

Another history lesson from your old pal.

Twenty-five years ago, I really thought I knew it all. Then again maybe I did….

I’ll be writing the real bad poems here too. There are some real stinkers that make me cringe but I want you to suffer through the horrible ones too.

In fact, maybe all my poems are bad but what makes me think they’re good is that they are short. How bad can a short poem be?

Like Laurel and Hardy

Stress equals accidents

I am butt a statistic

Not as great as I remember it. Fuck another shattered dream! I was trying to relate my own awkwardness and I just had an awkward moment of not being sure how to spell awkward. What a strange word. Awkward Awkward  awkard awkward

awkward

Anyway, I don’t know what it all means but butt I used to

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Bologne Haiku 1

When I was a kid,(in my twenties), I thought I knew it all. I started writing Bologne Haiku’s. Most are terrible. I will be presenting that terribleness to you as I work on “The Year I Started To Think Like A Woman.” That’s the title of the next ten stories, all  written from a woman’s point of view.

Good luck you say. Some of you know me only as a beast, so perhaps I should have started a series of stories from a human point of view…

Anyway, the first Bologne Haiku

Camera falls, clicks

Lens cracked, photo taken

Art does have its price