January 2008 (lots of gems here!)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Baloney Haiku 73
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I’m compelled to juggle knives
I really can’t do it well at all
Even people who love horror movies
Get scared when blood splatters
Practice, practice, practice
I guess I could start with pins
But that’s not how I was raised
I truly wasn’t raised for caution.
When my father asked if I could swim and I said no, he threw me off the pier in my clothes.
When he saw the new bike with training wheels, he ripped them off without a screwdriver. At the end of the day I knew how to ride a bike. My knees were bloody.
When I came home crying from being hit, he made me go back to the boy’s home knock on the door and punch him in the eye. My father wanted to see proof that I hit him and the proof had to be a black eye.
Then again, my mother is a Holocaust Survivor and taught me caution. I’ll write about that side of me soon.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Baloney Haiku 72
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
This is how I clean up:
Take all the shit on the table
Giftwrap it in boxes and paper
Never open the bow
Unless you are missing something
It will feel like a Holiday everyday
Monday, January 28, 2008
Baloney Haiku 71
Category: Life
I live in a sad community
We didn’t get to see our arrivals
We don’t get to hear our last words
In the old days of New York, people met you as you came to New York and started your career. Then they saw you through your relationships, and came to your kids birthday parties.
Then they held your hand to say your last good byes on the planet.
Now,we only know people for 10 years tops before they move on because neighborhoods get ripped apart by gentrification.
I have only a community of new relationships that I know will be gone in ten years and I will have to start all over again.
Fuck, I would love to have that small town feel, even if it was seeing people who I hated.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Baloney Haiku 70
Category: Religion and Philosophy
My truth has changed over the years
So… Does that mean
That my truth today
Will become the lies of yesteryears?
I’ll get back to you about that…
Tomorrow
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Baloney Haiku 69
Category: Life
It no longer matters much
What your parents did
Or did not do
They got you this far
You have to cross the finish line…
Even if you are crawling
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Baloney Haiku 68
Category: Religion and Philosophy
Before the snake offered the apple to Eve
A worm wormed his way into that fruit
Now you can find him at the bottom of Tequilla
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Baloney Haiku 67
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
If only I could turn my philosophy
Into a major car commercial
Then people would get good mileage
Friday, January 25, 2008
Baloney Haiku 66
Category: Parties and Nightlife
“Who you looking at?”
I can’t even see you
You are a disemboweled voice
I don’t even mean disembodied
You are just a statistic
Looking for a statistic
You are suffering from suffering
I am not your Doctor or cure
Friday, January 25, 2008
Baloney Haiku 65
Category: Romance and Relationships
The Contortionist was bad in bed
The Philosopher was a terrible thinker
Together they made beautiful pretzels
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Baloney Haiku 63
Category: News and Politics
I need five days of lasagne
To last me a whole week
The new economic crunch
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Baloney Haiku 62 01-24-08
Category: Religion and Philosophy
As I search for the light
My foot crunches down
On ancient bug with bad luck
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Haiku 64 01-23-08
Category: Romance and Relationships
Toolbox locked, key missing
Hammer waits, clanging inside
As the house falls apart
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Haiku 62 01-22-08
Category: News and Politics
I’m like a donut on thin ice
My glazed eyes are opening
To a bigger hole getting wet
Watch out! The market is about to tank. Which means other stuff happens. Get your overtime in now…
Who is the boss going to fire when he feels the hole in his pocket?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Haiku 61
Category: Life
I only have one story
I just try to find a way
To tell it differently
So, I guess that’s why I work so hard to try to know that one story so well.
Wow, that just gave me an idea. I wrote this story called Burned Through Five Shrinks and the title turned out not to be right for it.
Now, I think I have a story for the title that will be more appropriate. It will be a Rashoman type story about five shrinks who all see their patient differently.
Wow, I really think that will be cool. You can have your Freudian, your Jungian, your quick fix etc.
What a cool idea. Of course, everybody is wrong and crazy.
That will be a good story.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Baloney Haiku 60
Category: Romance and Relationships
Like a captain with an albatross
I keep a skeleton key around my neck
It’s to open my warehouse door
Filled with skeletons trying to bust out
Now, the only reason I still keep this key is to throw more shit in there.
I think from now on I will open up this door and throw my shitty skeletons your way.
Some of you may know, I get myself into Lucille Ball kind of situations. I guess I like it. They are funny as long as I’m not wallpapering your bedroom…
Some of you know that one day about 4 months ago, I was cooking borscht and Sadie got a hold of a piece and was all purple but then she got some on Zane and both kids were purple and then I tried giving them baths but Sadie brought a piece with her into the tub and when my wife came home, I had some explaining to do because both kids looked like they were trying to compete with The Blue Man Group. They remained purplish for days and beets were no longer welcome in the house.
Fine.
Zane and I wake up at 6 and we get to work writing and pooping and playing for three hours till Dawn and Sadie wake up.
So, I got Zane and Sadie this baby Baby Grand Piano and Zane stands there like Jerry Lee Lewis and tries to serenade me.
We have neighbors underneath us and I try to keep the noise down till 9 A.M.
Anyway, as I was writing I kept moving him to the dining area where Sadie has her little kitchen set up with a stove and a refridgerator.
Finally, the kid was occupied and stopped harrassing the neighbors with his stride piano.
I turned to see that he was eating a meatball that Sadie had thrown on the ground from the night before.
The kid had meatball all over himself but I wasn’t upset. Oh sure that meatball was overnight and I do make them spicy but I was really excited to see him eating my food anyway. And he put up a fight to give up the meatball.
I didn’t hear of anything about him getting sick and I will make a suggestion that the next time I make my turkey meatballs, I’m making some for the baby.
I’m sure Dawn will put up a fight but I’ll insist he’s ready.
Throughout this writing session, he’s been trying to play piano or is crawling underneath the dining room table, I guess he’s looking for last night shrimp I cooked up with sweet paprika, chilli peppers, olive oil and lots of garlic.
I cleaned up good last night. He’s shit out of luck.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Baloney Haiku 59 01-17-08
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Ever play disconnect the dots?
You get out your mental erasers
Wipe away everything you were
And still, still they reconnect
To exactly the same position…
You are like the stars to a navigator
Predictable
Yep, the story of my life. I’ve had many personas over the years. In my punk days I was Squid Liquid.
After my landlord burned me out of my apartment, I was Gor Monstro – “King of All Italian Sausage”. I had a kind of Wrestler Tor Johnson personality. I would order steak a lot and order double portions of spinach.
In the solitude of my artistry, I was Jizzam. I pretended to be an artist who wrote people’s names on grains of rice and flipped out and now create weird stuff like “Elvis’ Surgical Supplies”
And now I am larrydajunkman. It’s the closest to the truth.
I do love all my personas. In fact I will write about a character whose name is Personas. Good name.
Of course, I will write about my personas as well.
I just want you to understand that when I write predictable at the end of the poem, I mean it positively, that is if I can get to understand what the dots connecting the way they do mean to me….
If you are the stars in the sky – what percentage of those stars can you see?
What happens on a foggy night? Are you still there in the sky the way you saw them last or did you disappear?
Do you know who you are when you can’t see the dots in your sky?
On some nights you are brighter than other nights.
On some nights, stars you never saw before – now you can see.
Does that change everything?
Are you now more of who you want to be?
What happens tomorrow when that star is not visible?
Do you go back to being who you weren’t?
Or do you remember that star? And notate in the sky where it was?
What animal are you when you connect the dots to the stars in the sky? That is if “you” are the stars in the sky, and you are, aren’t you?
Are you an animal comfortable in your own skin? Outlined by lights…
Comfortable with the way the stars connect in your sky? Or are you trying to change the type of animal you are? You wait to see only certain stars and call yourself that animal on that day.
How great that would be if I didn’t have to do that. I hope to just be the stars that I can see and to remember that sky when the clouds roll in.
And if my stars change in that sky and I don’t recognize myself… so be it.
I have to say that I really love the way I became “The Prophet” for a moment.
Where did that come from?
I don’t know that star in my sky that well. I hope to meet him again.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Baloney Haiku 58 A Puzzle Un-Wrapped In An Enigma
Category: Religion and Philosophy
When I’m cleaning house
And put all the pieces together
Of all the kid’s puzzles
I’m totally amazed when
All the pieces are all there
Then again…
When I’m cleaning house
And put all the pieces together
Of all the kid’s puzzles
And there are pieces missing
I can’t imagine where they could be
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Baloney Haiku 57 For K. LaFang
I wouldn’t mind thinking inside the box
Had I been conceived in one
At one time, we all breathed under water
And there was no stacking in this aqua-tion
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Baloney Haiku 56 01-17-08
Category: Religion and Philosophy
The fear of thinking outside the box is…
That if you are not to careful
You may end up living in one
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Baloney Haiku 55 01-16-08
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
My job is to make you think
About things you didn’t know
You didn’t want to think about
Put that in your salt shaker
Mill that around your grinder
What spice do you have to add?
Every bubble I burst between us, gets me closer… How close do I want to be to myself?
How well do I want to hear my own voice and what it wants to really do?
These are terrifying thoughts.
My limitations are ass- tounding, because I’d rather not deal with them.
Gulp.
It’s why after I write something, I don’t want to look at it for a couple of months or years. I need seperation from the pain of seeing something poorly written or shallow.
Shame and embarrassment… are right there too.
I don’t even want to re-read stuff for grammatical corrections – It’s all too painful.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Baloney Haiku 54 01-15-08
Category: Religion and Philosophy
My side is crystal clear…
The smudges on the window
Are on my landlord’s side
Never take my baloney haikus on face value. I might have to write a haiku about face value…
Anyway, the comments that I make on these crazy little things is often not what I was thinking about when I wrote it.
Don’t read these comments if it takes you away from the meaning it gives you. Once I put it out there it’s up for grabs as to its meaning.
What do I know anyway?
I might be talking about the soul being cleansed
or
Maybe this little poem is political about the state of affairs in the Middle East
or
Maybe I just finished therapy and I told my truth but didn’t feel my therapist was telling the truth…
For example, I never got into a discussion with my landlord about windows. We spoke about just about everything else but not windows.
The point was that there are things that other people might be responsible for that they don’t do but it’s easier to do them yourself and not be all concerned about who is responsible. That is my interpretation for this morning
We had no heating in the store that I had to put into it. My wife was bummed about it. She wanted the landlord to do it. I just wanted to be warm in the winter. So, I did it and she was bummed about how much more money I’m sinking into a building that isn’t ours.
Fuck that shit. Just do what you have to do.
Anyway, my hope is that everyday I can read my haikus and find other meanings in them.
I hope you do too.
Have fun with them but remember, I’m just writing on the dirt on my side of the window and it may look different on your side, unless you cleaned your side completely and could read backwards too.
Maybe get a mirror and hold the mirror to the window…
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Baloney Haiku 53 01-15-08
Category: Life
If I could bottle my anxiety
I could sell it
As a nervous energy drink
Monday, January 14, 2008
Baloney Haiku 51 01-14-08
Category: Food and Restaurants
He grew up on Wonder bread
And cheese wrapped too tight
How’s he supposed to know anything?
Shut-up and eat your additives!
Different types of food from different cultures is a way to have a revolution of the heart.
I grew up in New York with my best friend when I was 12 being a kid from New Delhi.
The rest of my friends were from other countries.
Gus was from Greece.
Apkar was Turkish
Douglas Pazmino was Ecuadorian
Kim was Korean.
Shawn was from Ireland
The list goes on.
I made sure to go over to someone’s house everyday after school.
Got some good home cooking that way.
I bet that loaf of Wonder bread and American cheese is still in my mother’s fridge.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Baloney Haiku 50 01-13-08
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
At two A.M. in the desolate playground
Babies are left by themselves
In the swings to cry
With only the wind to push them
People are leaving their babies in their cribs to cry. Wow.
There is a growing amount of parents who don’t believe in comforting their kids and they leave them to cry it out in their cribs for hours.
At least my parents tried. They couldn’t do it but they tried. They knew they were supposed to comfort a baby if it is crying.
This is what Doctors are recommending. There are books about this. Let him cry it out.
They are making schedules for babies and babies have to abide by them. Eventually, a kid will stop crying because he is dried up and worn out.
He could be scared, or wet or sick or have a chord wrapped around his neck but parents are supposed to let him cry.
Wow.
I can deal with just about everything else.
Fuck I only write about murder in every story. I write horrible stories, gruesome murders but thinking about a kid crying in the other room in order to teach him… whatever the fuck it is he’s supposed to learn, frightens me.
I’d write more about this but Zane needs to be picked up and so even if I don’t finish this…
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Baloney Haiku 49
Category: News and Politics
The hand with missing fingers
Sets the trap
For all the other fingers
No one is talking about the voting machines because they have not been fixed. You want to convince me to vote for this one or that one.Well, don’t you think that the voting machines should be fixed?
Nothing was done in Ohio or Florida or California and no one is talking about it.
Why?
Watch your fingers this election, the machine might take your whole hand.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Baloney Haiku 48
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
It’s just as important
To forget your hell
As it is to remember
Friday, January 11, 2008
Baloney Haiku 48 01-11-08
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
A distraught man with his hands outstretched
His face pressed against the playground fence
Begs to be a child again and again and again
Came to me in the mind’s eye. Different than the way other baloney comes to me. I guess it’s all the mind’s eye but this one came more as a vision as a lay on the living room floor after a long day and closed my eyes for a moment before both kids jumped on me.
Another way to explain what I mean by this coming from my mind’s eye is imagine if your head were a busy bar. There’s lots of patrons, music and drink. This bar is where most of my thoughts come when I sit down to write.
Now imagine the bartender saying,”Hey, can I talk to you in the office.” You follow.
You are in the office and it’s quiet and you are talking softly. The bartender offers you a drink and you sip quietly. This is my mind’s eye.
You are still in the bar but it has a different atmosphere. Man I wish I could stay in that part of the bar more often.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Baloney Haiku 47 Another Elevator Cable Snaps
Category: Travel and Places
The elevator cable snaps
I’m falling a 100 floors
I look at the control panel
Still, I feel impatient
And look for the express button
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Baloney Haiku 46
The elevator cable broke
I’m falling down a shaft
There’s a Control panel
With a help button
My mother is yakking away
I push the intercoma button
“Shut the fuck up” I say
I might have to start a series of poems called “Shut The Fuck Up” It’s my way of saying Go meditate, or read a book or masturbate but most importantly “Shut the fuck up”
I’m telling this to myself.
My anxieties are different than the normal ones.
My familily’s trauma of being Holocaust survivors manifest itself differently.
Missing a bus in my family means getting your balls cooked and served to a Nazi higher up.
Going to the Deli on the corner means someone recognizes you and kills you, even if you just spent a year living in mud in Africa.
What could possibly happen to me in the mud?
If you keep reading my stuff, you will be able to survive the vilest situations you can imagine without blinking.
If I keep writing my stuff, I hope to find a way out of the anxieties of the simpler things like not jumping when the phone rings or an unexpected knock on the door without pulling out my gun.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Baloney Haiku 45 01-10-08
Category: Travel and Places
The future came to fast
We are all cavemen
Spinning spaceships out of control
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Baloney Haiku 44
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I flush old soups
Down the toilet
My wife yells at me
“Now the bowls dirty”
“It’s O.K.” I assure her
“I’m about to take a shit”
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Baloney Haiku 44 01-09-08
Category: Romance and Relationships
I won’t really love you
Till after we break up
Then I’ll remember happy times
That never happened
I can’t wait
For you to do something
fucked up
So we can break-up
Cause…
I won’t really love you…
My most tragic relationships went something like this.
It’s the shorter relationships that hurt the most.
The longer relationships that end are sad but did not have this kind of madness attached to it
You know how people fear long term relationships that then break up and the pain involved?
Well I’ve been married twice before and know about pain but I could tell you about relationships that lasted shorter periods that I still think about.
Why?
Because in the longer relationships we got to know each other so well that when it came to break-up we were ready and had plenty of time to think about it.
In Short term relationships you can trigger the idea that this person was your soul-mate and that it was a missed opportunity.
Fucking bullshit.
Good luck with that soul-mate stuff.
I’ll take my check – mate !
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Baloney Haiku 43 01-08-08
Category: School, College, Greek
Saying I’m Blue Collar
Is like having one foot in the grave
Fortunately, I’m a part time gravedigger
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Baloney Haiku 42 01-08-08
Category: Friends
Was that bump in the road you?
Let me run you over a few times
And smooth things over between us
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Baloney Haiku 41
I asked my shrink
“How can you tell
If you’re a genius
Or mentally ill?”
She laughed and laughed
“Get the fuck out of here”
Sometimes, I think my Shrink holds back information that she knows about me, not to protect me but that summer house that she bought still has another five years of payments.
Chiropractors definately don’t fix you up as well as they could. They definately could crack you like a lobster and fix you up good.
They won’t. O.K. You have to go back
But can you imagine if you’re shrink would just say, “Um, you might be too smart for me and I can’t ever help you because of that. Try someone else. Or, your case is so easy. What you need to do is stop drinking coffee and you can be on your way.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Baloney Haiku 40 More Baloney Than Haiku
Category: Religion and Philosophy
Wake up and smell the faded glory
Of your own heroic past…
People are so developmenatally predictable…
One day young people will mature
Their priorities will change
And they will have a couple of kids…
And they will status quo their butts
Or
They will remain alienated and disengaged
And die out from this or that…
Either prospect scares the shit out of me
And I’m sure they don’t want to believe it
But…
Generation Snuffalupagus
Is yet to make an appearance
Ever
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Baloney Haiku 40
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Had I been left to my own devises
I might have been an idiot savant
After extensive therapy
I’m lucky just to be an idiot
I was a much weirder dude twenty five years ago. Man, I have been in therapy for a long time and there’s more time coming. I’m still in therapy. I got another five years till I pay off my shrink’s summer house.
I know you folks that live in the brains of this country- everything between the two coasts, don’t really get what going to therapy is all about. You think you go to a shrink because you’re nuts.
Yep, that’s what New Yorkers and L.A.ers are. We are nuts but smarter than you fools who live in the dark ages and repressions of your childhood nightmares.
That is all. goodnight folks. You know what to dream about
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Baloney Haiku 39 )1-06-08
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
In a den of thieves
I’m less anxious and feel safer
Then in Whole Foods with 2 kids
What is going on in New York City? I am just amazed at how people think they are playing bumper cars as they food shop.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Baloney Haiku 38 01-05-08
Everybody praises the early bird
And how he catches the worm
But nobody has anything to say
About the sorry ass early worm
I just don’t want to have to get up early to start doing the Flea Markets on Sundays but business is off and I have a family to feed.
At the end of every month I feel my wife’s hot breath breathing down my neck and it’s not an introduction to seduction.
I think she is considering ripping my head off and putting it up on Ebay.
We moved our store from Greenpoint to Bushwick and the kids don’t know about the store or don’t have two dollars to buy a record.
I’m not like other Thrift Stores in that I throw all the junk out or donate it to other Thrift Stores.
I can take twenty-five or thirty boxes to the flea market in Manhattan and make my week’s salary . It’s a long couple of days.
It takes time to pack the crap, load it in the van, unload it at the flea market, load it back into the van and then unload it back into the store.
Fuck
I am the sorry ass worm who has to get eaten but I’m trying to get out of the mud and if I have to be in a bird’s beak and then his gullet to get somewhere, than so be it.
Fuck
I hate getting up at five in the morning if it’s not to take care of one of the kids.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Baloney Haiku 37 01-05-08
Category: Religion and Philosophy
My headstone was finished
On the day I was born
I have tried to scratch it all out
People talk about the clean slate.
Not so fast. Not so easy.
I have been decieved many times in my life to believe that I was starting a clean slate, only to find that I wrote the same story over and over…
Real evolution of man will come when he can get over his ego…
Not so easy. Let’s remember the pounding we took as kids. They hammered and chipped a way at us 24 – 7.
For instance:
Let’s remember that the ten commandments also came to us as salvation but it sure buried us fast…
The ten commandments and Moses were the cops trying to stop us from fucking our neighbors and killing because people must have been fucking their neighbors and killing an awful lot to have to carve all this shit in stone.
Man was the meat between that sandwich of stone.
What lubricating condiment was used to make that sandwich so easy to swallow?
Fear of the unknown…
Robert Mitchum went to a Costume party naked and covered in ketchup… They asked him why was he naked and covered in ketchup.
“Because I’m a piece of meat,” he replied.
Still, no matter how much I understand, everyday I have to erase things written in stone about who I am… and I am weakening the stone and turning it into a sliver of a tooth or maybe I just don’t need a stone at all to drag with me my whole life. Maybe my headstone will turn to dust even before I die…
I sure hope so. I need to lighten the load.
How about you?
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Baloney Haiku 36 01-05-08
I was born at the tail end
Of the Baby Boomer’s ass
No matter how old I get
I will always eat their shit
You younger folk will just get shit on and not get the nutrients from the shit. You will drown in Baby Boomer shit, You will probably die before the Baby Boomers die… because they can afford pints of blood, while you have trouble paying for a bottle of water that is just as expensive as a gallon of gas…
Baby Boomers set the price of water…
Baby Boomers became conservative and became the parents they hated as kids. Your only hope is that they become the Grandparents who love their young grandchildren. Maybe they’ll give you some extra cash when you go to visit.
The only problem with that is is that Baby Boomers don’t feel that they have to get old either. Middle age will come around the time they reach 100.
Me, I’ll keep licking their shit from their ass. I’m really just hanging on to survive and drowning in their shit sounds bad.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Baloney Haiku 35 01-04-08
Category: Religion and Philosophy
“If she’s going to die anyway?
I may as well schlep her to the town
Where there’s a Doctor and a Mortician”
I didn’t get to hear many family stories. This one was told with zest. It happened before the Holocaust where death was an everyday thing but only one at a time and not entire lineage in a minute…
Anyway, my grandmother was sick and my grandfather put her on a horse and brought her to a doctor and she survived.
It’s not that she survived that’s the story. It’s the cavalier attitude of my Grandfather that the whole family cheered.
I grew up loving that he was cool and said, “Well, that’s where the mortician is anyway.”
That point of view has made me the man I am today.
My Grandfather died by falling off a roof. He was 90 years old and fixing something on the roof and he fell off and got sick and died. He was still cracking jokes on the day he died. He told me in Yiddish that the nurse’s breasts must be angry at each other because they were pointed in opposite directions.
That was his way of saying she had big tits.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Baloney Haiku 34 01-04-08
Category: News and Politics
Sometimes, the spotlight shines on the funny man
Sometimes, the firing squad waits…
To see how the questioning goes under those same lights
I say a lot of funny things. Not everybody has my sense of humor or thinks I’m funny. I have a Eastern European sensibility about me. I can be very dark and brooding. I can juggle potatoes and vodka at the same time and think it’s funny when the bottle breaks.
My wife warns me when we are going somewhere about all the things I shouldn’t talk about. She has a list.
I start off in a lot of places by removing my foot from my mouth so that the other people in the room can hear me clearly…
Clearly, I have some sort of Larry David type of personality… Um, I guess I can really enjoy being an asshole. Not a mean one. No, no, no, I’m friendly, welcoming…
I can bring people who I’ve never met into conversations that are not normal. Bizarre fantasies of Time Travel in order to return to arguments with strangers in which now after twenty years I finally have the best come back line.
Or…
I also say shit to cops on the street. I can’t help myself, “Hey, can I see that gun?” I try getting into conversations with them…
I try telling them how I write about murder and mayhem and could I just ask them about twenty questions which would only take about an hour of their time… I’ll buy them lunch or dope or whatever they want.
My wife won’t let me talk to cops anymore.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Baloney Haiku 33 01-04-08
Category: News and Politics
Is the chef half drunk
Or just half baked
6 of 1 or
Half a doozy of another
You’d think that I was talking about how when I cook with wine, whether it’s a special chicken stock I’m making for Cajun food, or an Italian dish, like meatballs or chicken fricasee, that I was talking about cooking with wine and then drinking the remaining bottle.
Usually, when I cook with wine, it seems that half goes into the dish and the other half goes into me.
Usually, something will catch fire when I’m cooking in the kitchen. The best was when my Bittman Cookbook called, “How To Cook Everything” caught fire as I cooked with beer. I quickly checked the index to see how long I should cook the cookbook.
Clearly the cook was stewed.
I still use the cookbook. It has a nice crispy glaze on its cover
Oh by the way, the baloney Haiku above is not about cooking. It’s obviously about Politics with a Prisoner reference…
You know what… Believe whatever you want… About the Baloney Haiku that is or about Politics
I do always fry my breakfast meats but you know that. Fried Baloney Haiku’s coming your way.
You just read one. All Fried Baloney Haiku’s are really about Politics.
You can see the fingerprints on the deli butt end. It’s obvious the fingerprints of the counter guy who just cut the deli butt for you… Or is it.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Baloney Haiku 32 01-04-08
Category: Friends
I collect old wind up monkeys
And Mechanical Robots
They play nice together
And make a good couple
I guess I identify with both. I love looking at these guys and only like them if they have goofy faces and do goofy things.
Monkeys always play drums or move more sexually than the Robots who I love best when they spark and spin and their eyes bug out of their heads
Friday, January 04, 2008
Baloney Haiku 31 01-03-08
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
The Rorschach Rock test had
30 year old mold of pot
In my gatefold record “Hot Rocks”
I saw my dreams and hopes
30 years ago, 30… I used the gatefold of the Rolling Stones record Hot Rocks to sift my pot.
I loved the ritual of cleaning my pot more than smoking it.
$40 bucks an ounce… How much is it now and what happened to the stems and seeds?
I kept all the stems and all the seeds in a film container. Everybody did. When it was full I would boil the stems and make tea. I would fry up the seeds with a little butter and honey and crunch on them. I don’t know why I did all this.
I became aggressive when I smoked pot. I was never mellow. I am never mellow. I am only calm when someone has a gun pointed at me. Mellows me right out. I’m like Bob Marley in 1966… Also, when I was playing with my gatefold record and watching the seeds seperate from the weed, that also mellowed me right out. The ritual was what I was after.
I have different chemistry reactions than other people, I guess. You already know I’m different. You read my stuff. It should not come as a surprise.
I don’t smoke pot or drink. I occassionally will have a couple of drinks and I get all aggressive in a positive sense. At least I see it as positive.When I drink, I’m like a guy whose team has just won. My team doesn’t win much but if I have a drink or two in me, I believe my team has won….
I become the happy go lucky buffoon. I am sort of like that anyway. I’m definately buffoonish. I’m sort of over the top buffoonish. Buffoon is such a great word. Say buffoon a couple hundred times…
You can see why I don’t need to smoke pot, I’m like a walking bud, just trying to get glimpses of thoughts that are hiding in those nooks and crannies in our skull…
Yes, I would have to say that I am a kind of detective of my thoughts. I’m interested in that thought that’s lurking in the corner, following me and always darting when I look. I kind of have to get out a mirror and look at it over my shoulder. Those are the thoughts that I’m interested in seeing. So you kind of always have to look at it sidewise. I mean side ways. No, I mean sidewise.
There is hidden there a lot of pain and a lot of humor. When I was a kid I thought that pot would help me look at those “lurking in the corner” thoughts. Sort of, but the clarity of communicating back to myself or an audience is more difficult under a substance for me.
Ultimately, I have found that looking at the brutality of life bare knuckled has helped shape my view and helps me get a glimpse of who I am more than trying to sedate myself. Maybe one day I’ll put on gloves. My knuckles take a beating.
By brutality I mean the actual dark, crusty stuff that makes up the fabric of one’s life. Mostly, for me, my families story of the Holocaust and my father’s sadism. Hey, I understand that your life may have always been light and fluffy. Good for you. You win. I’ll stick with dark and crusty and bare knuckled for as long as I can take it.
Choose your poison.
